You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
