I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
