even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
