Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
