I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
