I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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