Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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