The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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