I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
