nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
