I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
