this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
