At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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