just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
