Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
