I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
