a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
