some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
