I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
