under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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