I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
