Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I want her autograph on my taint
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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