john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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