I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
