sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
