I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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