I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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