Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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