Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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