i don't plan on having that self control this summer
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
