i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
