Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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