I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
