I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
