When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
