You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
