4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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