Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
