Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
