Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
