I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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