She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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