were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
