If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
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