I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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