I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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