i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dignity is for republicans.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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