see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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