Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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