I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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