also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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