Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
