this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
